October.

Im upset today. Upset with myself for a lot of things and even more upset that I havent worked hard to lose more weight over past couple months. I havent gained any weight (suprisingly) but I havent lost much more than the last post I posted.

I think Im afraid? Doesn't make much sense really. But I think it is because Losing the weight I've already lost has rattled me. I've become more self-conscious. I've become more nervous. I've become a disaster. Maybe it's not all the weight loss that has done that, maye it's all the other craziness in my life. But it's easier to say its because of the weight loss. Now don't get me wrong, Im not upset about losing the weight by any means, Im happy for myself and plan to continue losing more. 

It's just confusing. 

I feel like people, even my friends are judging me. I can feel peoples eyes on me when Im dressed in form fitting clothes. It makes me uncomfortable, and makes me reconsider all my wardrobe choices lol. 

I've been struggling a lot with why I got as large as I was and how disgusted it makes me feel. 

I've been struggling with how embarrassing it all is. 

But the most annoying is how self conscious I am now. I am constantly asking people "does this look okay?" Or "can you see this" or "i should change right?". 

Its a terribly confusing process. 

Plus my boobs seem to be getting bigger which is just weird. If Im losing weight they should either stay the same or decrease in siZe as well. ugh. 

I've been having a ridiculous good time in life otherwise. Hanging out with friends whenever possible. So Im focusing on that. Im also pretty proud of myself for starting to run. 2 friends and I have been doing c25k and then just Sunday I ran my full 1st mile. It was good but difficult, mainly because i was wearing a pair of workout pants that are probably 2 sizes too small lol. So it was uncomfortable i that respect. Im super thankful for my friend Britni who is a good support for continuing my weight loss and helping me with running. 

Everything else is just a big old mess it seems in my life so Im going to work on focusing on my health/weight loss journey and strive to be more positive about it. With what I wrote earlier about being embarrassed and upset about how heavy i used to be... I know I cant let that bother me and should squash that negativity. And Im going to try, really really hard. 

My new goal is to be to 199 or less by christmas. About three months to lose about 24 lbs. I'm trying to be realistic. Let see what I can do. :)

2 months what whaattt

Oh em gee. It has been so long since I posted. That ish cray. lol.. But lots of stuff has been going on and also nothing at all has happened.

Sooo here is where I am at.
-Newman and I picked up and moved to White Marsh (Ch-Ch-Changesssss again) in early July. A friend of mine bought a condo and Newman and I are renting a room and I HAVE MY OWN BATHROOM! Whaaaaat. I don't think I've ever in my life had my own bathroom. Ohhhhh the little things.
-As of this week, jumpstarting the weightloss journey again. I've been slacking (not gaining thankfully) for the past couple of months and frankly I have no reason to be. I was thinking the other day (I have a lot of thinking time it seems) that why stop now? Sure I may like the way I am now but I am not fully satisfied. I know I can do this and I've come so far (65ish gosh darn pounds) so there is no reason to stop or even give up. I am changing it up this time and setting mini goals for myself. I THINK I would like to lose another 45-65lbs. I am currently weighing in at 227-224lbs (depending on the day). I would like to see myself at 165-175, I think. I don't really know though. So more goal breaking down will be later in this post.
-Work is still the same, though I am constantly looking.
-Getting my ass to CCBC soon so I can get signed up for some pre-reqs for the RN program there (Wooop).
And that's about it, minus some unruly details and good times that have happened over the past 2 months.

So let me break down my new weightloss plan to get the rest of this fluffy stuff off me.
I am eating clean 80% of the time and if I feel I want to indulge or go out drinking that is my 20% of the time. But even over the last couple of months when I've been "slacking" my "bad" decisions aren't really all that bad. My portion sizes are still small and if I decide I want fries I don't eat something shitty with them, I get something healthIER like a wrap and water or something rather than fries & a cheesteak & a soda.
So yeah 80/20 Clean eating.
Goal is kinda around 165-175. I'm breaking it down, so I am looking at smaller picture rather than the big huge intimidating one.
So I have broke it down into small increments.
I would like to:
Be down to 210 or less by August 31st.
Be down to 195 or less by October 15th.
Be down to 180 or less by December 15th (MY BDAY!!!)
And if I want to be smaller (not sure what I'll look like at 180) then I would like to be as low as 160 by February 1st.

I may have underset these goals but I want to be realistic. The first 60-65lbs came off pretty fast, and I also wasn't working out that hard. It was mostly changing my eating habits.
So now that I'm incorporating Cardio 4-6 times a week, I HOPE it will fall off just as fast but I'm really not sure. So who knows maybe I'll blow my goals out of the water and lose it faster, but maybe I won't. Either way this is my journey and I'm focused on me.

A friend of mine is going to help me with weight training/toning. Not because I'm "want" to build muscle but because I want to tone & strengthen some areas. This friend has been doing amazingly as well and I get motivation from her!

I know I can do this so here we go again.

Bachelorette Partyinggg

So my friend who is getting married in June, we're having her bachelorette party this weekend in Baltimore! Being the maid of honor, I feel that it is my responsibility to make the night unforgettable! We are staying at a sweet hotel in Baltimore City near the inner harbor. Starting off there we plan to do nails & facials. Then we are heading out to RA Sushi for their awesome happy hour. Back to the hotel we go where we will drink and play some games! Then out to Powerplant Live!, where we will hit up some bars and play some games along the way. It plans to be an amazing night! It will be the bride to be, myself, two bridesmaids, and a friend of the bride to be. The bride is wearing a sparkly fun dress and the rest of us are wearing black. I have a folder filled with drinking games for the hotel that are bachelorette themed! There will be "Swag Bags" for everyone, and an awesome photo scavenger hunt for when we're out and about! Other details include Jello Shots, mixed drinks, monogramed bottles, & more. I think it will be one hell of a night and lots of memories will be made! Look for a post-party blog posting all about how crazy fun it was!

Rainy Day Blues... or Pinks... or Greens....

So this post isn't really me being a downer, just me thinking about some things and of course I was thinking these things on a rainy gross day! I started wondering to myself if some people aren't meant to be in a relationship or have a "great love". Obviously, I started wondering this about myself and it led to me thinking if maybe just some people in general are supposed to be single [single & fabulous, of course]. I like being single, don't get me wrong. But with my 27th birthday approaching fast [in December, hah], I thought that I would have found my "great love" by now so that I could have kids and such at this time in life. After talking with a few friends, I've realized maybe my "to do" list just needs to be thrown out the window so I can just live. I can live and let whatever is going to happen, happen. I need not be concerned with what didn't work out or what hasn't happened yet. So as of today, May 7th... I am declaring that I will just live. I will live and try to stop thinking about everything so much. And I will try to stop being concerned with things I have no control over.  And through living, I'll get everything I never knew I wanted.... at least that's the plan.

Summer Reading

So I've created myself a summer reading list. I love to read, if you don't know this about me... we probably aren't that close. I read at work, in the car, before bed, after bed, at the beach, on an airplane, at the pool, anywhere I can. So, here is my reading list. Also listed is some of my most recent favorites that you should read, if you haven't.

My recent favs:
-Fallen by Lauren Kate (and the three following books)
-Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire


Summer Reading List:
-Kiss Me First by Lottie Moggach
-Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld
-Big Girl Panties by Stephanie Evanovich
-Divergent by Veronica Roth
-Smart Girls like Me by Diane Vadino
-Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella
-Trading Up by Candace Bushnell
-Meeting your half Orange by Amy Spencer
-The Between Boyfriends Book by Cindy Chupack
-Why Should Men Have All the Fun? By DJ Johnson
-Beautiful Bastard by Christina Lauren
-Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein
-Here I Go Again by Jen Lancaster
-Girls in White Dresses by Jennifer  Close
-How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
-It's Called a Breakup because it's broken by Greg Behrendt
-It's Not Your Number by Sophie Kinsella
-Maine by J Courtney Sullivan
-One Day by David Nicholls
-Sisterhood Everlasting by Ann Brashares
-


I might add some more to this list at some point, but this is what I have for now. And for my recent favs, I can't remember some of the titles.. so I'll add once I get my nook out of my car!

Sunday Thoughts

As usual, I put up some of my most recent fav pinterest quote finds.

So after a lot of thinking. I dont know if I was in love.  We had a lot of fun together, and we had a lot of fun otherwise, ya know. But thinking about it more, I don't know that I ever was fully myself around him. Because I am so guarded, it takes me a while, and I think I was just coming around to always being my true self in his presence. And he made comments in the past about how it didn't seem I was being true or that I seemed overly guarded. So maybe that had something to do with it, I'm not sure. Regardless, I don't think anyone should just stop talking to another as a way to end a relationship or whatever it is. So guys & girls, man up... if you're trying to stop seeing someone... don't just stop talking to them. Don't stop responding or communicating. Ball up and just be honest. I think that it's pretty commendable to be able to come forward and admit what you're feeling, even if it might hurt the others feelings. Because, speaking from experience, it's actually pretty damn hard to "ball up". But if it needs to be done, then do it. Otherwise, that person is left confused and doesn't everyone deserve a little closure?

On another note... today I'm spending my Sunday with myself. I'm cleaning my room and working on some bachelorette & bridal shower stuff for my dear friend who is getting married in 47 short days in Florida. Her bachelorette party is actually this weekend, so I'm finishing up some last minute details on swag bags & playlists, etc. Her bridal shower is memorial day weekend and I just finished a playlist for background music for that. I did pick up my bridesmaids dress on Friday and my sandals came in the mail on Saturday. I think I'm all set for traveling, the lady at Alfred Angelo said I should vacuum seal my dress in one of those bags from Bed, Bath, & Beyond and keep it in my purse. LOL I think she has heard one too many horror stories of dresses getting left behind in luggage or something. I don't know that I will be doing that, but I'm sure I'll be taking it in my carry on. Flight & Hotel are booked, luckily I'm staying with another bridesmaid to cut down costs. It seems now, all I need is to get together spending money and I'm good. Actually, I do need to book my reservation for the wedding snorkel trip, which should be cool! But otherwise, it seems everything else is coming together great.

I have decided to make a list of things that I would like to accomplish or do for the rest of 2013. I have friends that make lists like this, and I have also seen them on other blogs. It can be a list of big things and little things, even just going to a specific restaurant. So look for that in a future post, I hope to get that list together by mid May at the lastest. Yes, I have set myself a deadline for a list!!!

My interview on Friday went well, cross your fingers for me. I hope that I will hear from them. If nothing else, I'm proud of myself for interviewing as well as I did both times. I usually get so nervous I screw up something but I think I've gotten over my interview nerves for the most part.

This is tricky, I have a weight loss goal I want to accomplish by July 31, but I also have a bridemaids dress that fits perfectly that I have to wear on June 21. I will continue on my weight loss and just make sure to keep trying the dress on and if last minute alterations need to happen, then I will have to deal with that cost lol! So my next goal is to get to ONEDERLAND by July 1. For those of you who don't know what onederland is... it's a fat girls wonderland. It is getting under 200lbs. So my goal is to be at least 190 by July 1st. That would mean I need to lose 35lbs by July 31, which is 86 days from today. Originally I was going to set this goal by July 1st, but I'm trying to be realistic. And yes, I'm down 65lbs and it's definitely doable to lose 35 in two months. But I know myself and my body and I'm aiming for July 31. It would be awesome to get there faster and maybe I will. We shall see! Cheers to ONEDERLAND.

Happy Sunday everyone. Thoughts & Prayers going out to a good friend of mine who has lost her grandmother today. Sun is shining on your family today because she is thinking of you.

Follow me on pinterest & instagram.
username is apinkstarg

Mayyyyyyyyyyyy

Ok so I'm going to do my best to write more. I'm sure I will be creating posts that will forever stay in bloggers "draft phase" which basically means there is no way in hell I'll let you read them. But the majority of them will be here. And to write more about everything. Not just weight loss and all that. I think it's theraputic for me to write.

It's May 2nd (Happy Birthday Dad) and it's almost been a year since everything changed for me. And I can't believe how much has happened in almost this one year... but maybe that is a post for later in the month (when it's actually been a year).

So.. here is what I've been up to!
I am in the process of interviewing for another job with a company in Baltimore city. I have my second interview tomorrow afternoon (Cross your fingers for me).
I'm moving out this summer, to move in with my friend who just purchased a condo! I'm super excited. I think we will have a blast, especially as two single twenty somethings! And I'm super excited for my friend, I know good things are happening for her and she deserves it, yes that was a shout out!
I am currently one confused girl. Dating a guy since beginning of January, started to fall in love ( with said guy and now he isn't talking to me. It hurts, but ya know what... AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. Thats what I'm sticking with... for now. And thats all the details I'm writing about that. Because yeah, just because.

I am still shrinking in size, and I am super excited about it. But I need to kick things into gear. I know this, and now I just have to do it. My eating has gotten to a place where I am happy. I eat 1200-1500 calories a day, usually 1200-1300. I eat healthy 80-90% of the time nad when I do eat bad, I'm no longer feeling guilty about it or hating myself for it. Which I think is a great step.
I still beat myself up about a lot of things, emotionally I have a long ways to go but I know I'm getting better with everything, after all nothing is a quick fix.
I have started looking at blogs and facebook pages of girls my age who are doing what I'm doing and who have lost what I've lost.
Nobody tells you the following things when they suggest that you lose weight...
-Losing weight is quite expensive. After all, healthy foods tend to be more expensive, gym memberships can be pricey (so far I've been doing it without a gym.. but I plan to implement the gym this summer. Also, it's expensive because of clothes. UGH. You will laugh, but I was so cheap for a few weeks/months that I was wearing underwear that were too big for me, still am wearing pants that are too big for me, and yeah. I am not made of money, and whats the point in buying a whole new wardrobe at every new size. That will just put me into credit card debt hell. But I have made a significant step and have given about 3-4 trashbags of clothes away. Either to goodwill or to good friends. At a certain point, I realized it was not healthy for me to hold on to pants that are 3 sizes bigger than I'm wearing. Holding onto them I was thinking I would need them because I was going to gain it all back. But throwing them away, I don't have an option now. No gaining it back. :-)
-Losing weight is super confusing for your emotions, I'm assuming it is like this for men too, but I'm not sure. It's definitely a mind fuck for ladies. I've read other ladies posts/blogs and it seems its a mindfuck after about 50lbs... so I don't want to know what the hell kind of confusion it will cause when I get to 100lbs. FML. I say FML but it's a good FML... I think.
-Losing weight is not a quick fix for everything, at all.


So yeah.. thats my post for today.

Sorry for all the cursing in today's post, I'm a little upset still about a few things but I'm trying to be fucking positive!