October.

Im upset today. Upset with myself for a lot of things and even more upset that I havent worked hard to lose more weight over past couple months. I havent gained any weight (suprisingly) but I havent lost much more than the last post I posted.

I think Im afraid? Doesn't make much sense really. But I think it is because Losing the weight I've already lost has rattled me. I've become more self-conscious. I've become more nervous. I've become a disaster. Maybe it's not all the weight loss that has done that, maye it's all the other craziness in my life. But it's easier to say its because of the weight loss. Now don't get me wrong, Im not upset about losing the weight by any means, Im happy for myself and plan to continue losing more. 

It's just confusing. 

I feel like people, even my friends are judging me. I can feel peoples eyes on me when Im dressed in form fitting clothes. It makes me uncomfortable, and makes me reconsider all my wardrobe choices lol. 

I've been struggling a lot with why I got as large as I was and how disgusted it makes me feel. 

I've been struggling with how embarrassing it all is. 

But the most annoying is how self conscious I am now. I am constantly asking people "does this look okay?" Or "can you see this" or "i should change right?". 

Its a terribly confusing process. 

Plus my boobs seem to be getting bigger which is just weird. If Im losing weight they should either stay the same or decrease in siZe as well. ugh. 

I've been having a ridiculous good time in life otherwise. Hanging out with friends whenever possible. So Im focusing on that. Im also pretty proud of myself for starting to run. 2 friends and I have been doing c25k and then just Sunday I ran my full 1st mile. It was good but difficult, mainly because i was wearing a pair of workout pants that are probably 2 sizes too small lol. So it was uncomfortable i that respect. Im super thankful for my friend Britni who is a good support for continuing my weight loss and helping me with running. 

Everything else is just a big old mess it seems in my life so Im going to work on focusing on my health/weight loss journey and strive to be more positive about it. With what I wrote earlier about being embarrassed and upset about how heavy i used to be... I know I cant let that bother me and should squash that negativity. And Im going to try, really really hard. 

My new goal is to be to 199 or less by christmas. About three months to lose about 24 lbs. I'm trying to be realistic. Let see what I can do. :)