Been a minute.. or 388,800...

Wow, it's been a while since I posted, a good 9 months! Time has been flying by this year, way too fast. Lots has changed since my last post. I've stopped focusing on my weight loss as much, I started a new job, dated here and there (no one serious at the moment), quit smoking, and other small things. Looking back at my last post, I have been drinking but am trying to pay attention to how much and not let things get out of control. And to make sure I don't feel the way I felt earlier this year. But anyways...

I started to write this post late last week but I got too emotional while writing it and it took turn I didn't want it to. So let's try this again, I was thinking about my sister and other young girls and got to thinking about things I've learned since high school, through college and into my late 20's. And the biggest thing I've learned and would share with others is don't make your life about someone else. Until you are married with a family or until you have a family, never ever make your life about someone else. Live life for you, hell be selfish and don't be afraid to be uncomfortable. Because making your life about someone else and not focusing on yourself can really fuck things up, believe me. From an emotional, financial and even a physical standpoint, if you're not focusing on your own life and where you want to be one day, things can become so far from where you wanted them to be and your life becomes almost unrecognizable when you take a step back.

I spent so much of my 20's wrapped up in someone else's life, be it a boyfriend or friends, etc. And convinced myself that it was okay and how it was supposed to be. I lost friends, gained weight, screwed up my financial life. Didn't follow my own dreams or heart. I have more debt than I thought possible, took out more than necessary in student loans because it was suggested and just went with it. I have low paying jobs, because I didn't follow my heart or my dreams and get into a career that I wanted to be in (because it wasn't where I/we were living). I am an emotional disaster, getting better every day but because I stuck with something I knew wasn't right for so long, it's taking even longer to heal.
My true self, the girl from high school and my early 20's, the strong willed, intelligent, independent girl I used to know, I'm finally finding her underneath all this angst, dependence, self-doubt, and self-hate. I have always had a firm belief in "no regrets" and all, and I don't blame anyone but myself for my current position in life and my choices. And I still hold to that, because I'm meant to be where I am now, and I've lived the life I was supposed to. But I wonder what I would have heard from someone "It's okay to be selfish" or "It's okay to make the hard decision and let life be uncomfortable for a bit".

What I'm doing now, making moves to better my situation and bounce back. I'm paying off as much of my debt as possible, still leaving myself a little side cash to enjoy my life. I'm working to pay for my life, and I'm also in school to better my life. I plan to go to nursing school and plan to work through the entire process, not taking more debt out. I'm figuring out what I like, who I like and living my life in my own way. Like I mentioned earlier, I haven't been working on my weight loss goals, I've been allowing myself to get distracted with other things. But I do intend on losing more weight, just need to make it happen (along with everything else).

I'm just keepin it 100.

Hey party people. I'm going to get really real for a few moments. Every since my birthday, I've stopped drinking for the most part (mimosa on christmas, 1/2 natty boh and a jello shot on new years is why I say most part). And people have given me shit for it. I know it's weird, BELIEVE ME I know. Everyone has asked me if it is because of weight loss. No. It's not. The first time I wasn't drinking was due to weight loss and it was beneficial. This time, it's because I've found myself in position over the past year where when I did drink, I would almost always end up completely hammered. I would drink until I was drunk. And some of those times, the reason I wanted to drink was because I was upset. I was upset about my love life (or lack thereof depending on the day). I would be upset about work. I would be upset for a number of reasons. And those feelings, I would pack those into miller lites & some shots. And then I'd be drunk and acting like an idiot crying myself to sleep. OR I'd be ridiculously hungover the next day wondering what the hell I was doing. Or in some cases, end up in situations that I never would have expected myself to be in (no more details needed, believe me you don't want to know). My birthday was a nail in the coffin for myself. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing time... I think (clearly I don't remember it all). But I decided the next day, when parts of the night were fuzzy, that I was done not remembering parts of my night. Life is too short for me to be black out drunk not remembering what I was doing. And more than anything else, if I have a drink or two or four I want it to not be because I feel like I need to be drinking to be happy or to have fun or to get through the night. I began to think I have a problem, so I stepped back. People may not agree with my decision or they may think I'm over analyzing myself and that I'm being silly. But they aren't me. They don't feel what I feel. I can't tell you that I'll never drink again, all I can tell you is that I'm taking a step back from alcohol because I feel like it is necessary and beneficial for myself to do so. I will not be dependent on it for anything. They say people have addictive personalities and others dont. I have always felt like I have had an addictive personality. I've bandaged myself with food, booze & cigarettes for so long and quite frankly I'm done with it. Stopping the emotional eating was hard enough over a year ago, but let me tell you, ripping the alcohol/cigarette bandaid off is a BITCH as well. I do wish for people not to continue saying things to me like, "You're more fun when you're drinking", because that just makes it even harder.

On a MUCH lighter note, I haven't weighed myself since December 29. I won't weigh myself again until February. I am eating well and working out when I make time for it. I am getting used to being in school again while working full time. I am taking 7 credits (Anatomy/Physiology 1 and Human Growth/Development). The anatomy class is online lecture and labs on Saturday. A&P is a lot of material and I'm basically teaching it to myself. So I'm figuring out what works best for myself. But one thing I know is I want an A. And I know I can get one. Outside of work, I will hang out in my room with Newman from now until May if I have to just stuck in here with my books and all studying. Sacrifice for progress. Regardless of school, I'm still planning on being at the gym at least 4 times a week. My goal is still to be in a size 12 by March 31. I got some serious work to do.



I feel like I'm constantly changing. Who knew one person could go through so much change in under two years. Broke up from long relationship, moved home, started losing weight, lost a LOT of weight, moved back out and in with a roommate, continued losing weight, back on track eating healthy, quit drinking, quit smoking, and started school. It may not seem like a lot, but it's a lot to process/deal with sometimes. I'm just a weak girl trying to build myself up and I see that I'm getting to where I want to be. As I've said before, I'm a huge (slightly smaller than I used to be) work in progress.

The Struggle is Real.

The struggle is real. It is always real, sometimes it is harder than other times. Today is a really hard day. I have my entire day planned from breakfast through afternoon snack at work, and it's all been in my lunchbag. Got to work, ate my breakfast (1.5 egg, 1.5 egg white with some cheese) and a cottage cheese/pineapple mix. Then I even got through mid morning snack of an apple, was good. Then my supervisor started talking to me, and he started talking to me about weight and working out and calories and telling me what I should do because of what he does. Then my bosses boss gave me a ton of work to do (Disclaimer: I love being busy and having tons of work. This work is another beast. It is like trying to figure out why the alphabet goes from A to Z and not Z to A). This project she gave me kept taking on another beast and soon it was 11am and all I wanted to do was smoke a cigarette and eat something greasy. Not because I was hungry, but because thats how my old habits were. If I was happy, I ate. If I was sad, I ate. If I was stressed, I ate. If I was annoyed, I ate. I'm now on day 10 of no Marlboro Menthol Lights. FML is all I have to say about that. I've quit before and it sucks. It sucks just as much right now if not more, because last time I quit I used food as a crutch. NOW I got nothing but water. I'm not even drinking alcohol at the moment either. After I ate my tilapia, broccoli & string cheese for lunch I walked to the kitchen with a dollar in my hand fully planning to buy the large kit kat bar thats in there, or the doritos. But then I stared at the vending machine for about 4-6 minutes and decided not to do it. I need to overcome my own challenges and not back down. I personally fully believe in cheat meals and all that... but not for the reasoning that I wanted it today. It needs to be just because I'm going out to dinner, not because I want to emotionally eat. So I filled my water bottle, went to the bathroom, let out a few tears of annoyance and came back to my seat. I then remembered that in my meal planning today, I brought a mini bag of bbq rice cake chips and I still had two clementines left. I popped some gum and decided to have the rice cake chip thingys at 230 IF I'm hungry. But truly, sometimes I just ask myself "What the hell are you doing?" Because I have no faith in myself, I'm constantly waiting to fail or to prove to myself that I cant do what I set my mind to do. I'm using today as proof to myself that maybe I can do whatever I want to do. Because I intend to finish today strong. Go get my workout in tonight, eat my dinner and protein shake and meal prep for the rest of the week. But anyways, just wanted to post that things are not as easy as they may appear for me. You don't know all the blood, sweat and TEARS that go into making lifestyle changes. And time doesnt always make it easier. On my good days, I stick to my choice to do well. On my bad days, I let things get the best of me and sometimes dip my toe into the pool of past bad habits. I'm only human.

You may have wanted to know, so here is why.

I've been planning to post this for a long time but every time I start to write it I freak out and close the browser window. Surprisingly, no one has actually flat out asked me the question I'm about to answer, but I've been waiting for it. "How did I let myself get to 292 pounds?" But the reason I posted this today is because someone briefly looked at my instagram today at work and gave me the look like "Honey what the hell were you doing back then?" Honestly I don't have a plain and simple answer. It comes down to a few simple things. I didn't think it mattered. Pounds just packed on and they kept coming. I was unhappy with my life. I liked junk food, and I ate a LOT of it. I ate out all the time. I never exercised. I shudder at the thought of how many calories I ingested on a daily basis. My portion sizes were out of control. And once I got to 230lbs or so, I wasn't going to change my ways because... quite frankly I didn't think I could. I never saw myself on the scale above 292, maybe I was, and maybe I wasn't. It shames me to think that I could have been. I didn't have a lot of friends anymore when I was at my biggest and I was unhappy in a relationship that I felt too comfortable and scared to leave. Life was a mess for me. I don't know what made it all click or what happened in me that I finally got the courage to change things and to go for what I wanted. And to not worry about my significant other at the time, because that was a HUGE reason for me not walking away. I think a lot of it had to do with a friend of mine. Anytime I would discuss my unhappiness with any other friend, they'd brush me off and say something like "Well he loves you, so you should stay." or "You're lucky to have someone who cares and loves you, why would you walk away from that?" So I would push my feelings away and just focus on what they said and that maybe I was lucky. From their "advice", I started to think that maybe no one else in life would love me or fall in love with me. I had an incredible amount of self-doubt, self-hatred, etc. Finally, someone new was in my life and we had got to talking about things. And this friend told me "It's okay if you don't want to be with this person anymore. It's okay how you feel and if this is something you need to walk away from, that's also okay." Had I not received that validation from someone, I may still be 292lbs and I may still be as unhappy as I was back then. Sometimes when we look to others to discuss our feelings, we're not always looking for words of advice. Sometimes we're just looking for someone to tell us that it's okay or that it's not bad to feel a certain way. Anyways, back to the weight. So I ended things in this long relationship and I started to realize that if I could do that, which at this point in my life might be one of the hardest things that I've personally gone through. If I could do that, I could lose the weight and I could become healthier and stronger physically. So a few months later (after a bit of a mourning period), I started to work on losing. And I started to better myself. I worked on re-building my friendships with people who I let slip through the cracks. I started eating healthier, I started working on myself. And I still am. It's hard sometimes to think about the past, and it's easy to get frustrated and think, my god had I started this journey when I was 200lbs, I'd be done already. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. And I have no regrets at all. Because I know that I wouldn't be who I am in this moment had I made different choices, or taken a different path I wouldn't be me had I not gone on a random trip with a new friend who told me "it's ok". All I know for sure is that I'm a work in progress. And aren't we all? That’s life, right???

80lbs down. Whatt!

I know I haven't been posting much. Time flies when you're having fun and all that noise. But I just wanted to post because I've hit 80lbs lost. This is insane to me, and really most of you may not know this but I doubt myself a whole hell of a lot (or all of you know this haha). So getting to big numbers like this amazes me. I sit here typing this in size L tops and size 14 bottoms. Shit, I'm even wearing heels at work today. Thats huge for me. Not even the number is a big deal but when I started this blog I was wear ing a size 22W pants and 1-2X shirts. I still look at myself in the mirror and feel just the same size as I did 15 months ago. I barely see differences when I do those silly photogrid things, but thats all the mindfu*k that comes along with losing weight (so I've been told). I am 12 pounds away from being in the 100's and I am 20 pounds away from having lost 100 lbs. I sit at 212lbs. I was 292 lbs (Previously stated as 286, but found journal stating was 292 in april 2012. I feel like I might have been heavier but I thank God I never weighed myself if I was because had I seen 300 I might have given up or I may have never started this journey. Who knows).

 I have made small and large goals on here and not hit them. And I'm okay with that for now. Yes, it may have taken me a long time to lose this 80lbs but I've done it. And I'm proud of that. I beat myself up about my weight and my weight loss progress and all that. But I'm responsible for how it's come off and how long it has taken, and no one else is. So no one else should be saying things they've said or acted the way they have... but they have and I need to not let it bother me. I have not decided on my ultimate goal, I know that I want to be at a healthy weight. I've said in the past that the 160's sound good. But who knows really. Right now I'm focused on getting into the 190's and we'll go from there. All the sites I've researched tell me that a healthy weight range for my height is 125-168lbs. Thats quite a range... so I have no idea what to take from that LOL. 

 One thing I wanted to touch on since I'm posting is how amazing it feels to get all this positive feedback from all my friends and family. What I will never understand is the negative comments that people have made. It's frustrating that people have chosen to say certain things and it sucks that some of those people were ones I used to consider close to me. But it has just caused me to realize that as we grow in life and as we change in life, we lose people. We lose them for various reasons but if someone is not meant to be a part of your life, you'll figure it out (one way or another). I just wish they would have cowered into the night, rather than be a hater. Just come at me bro, talking behind someone's back is so 7th grade! 

Hump Day?

What day is it???? Hump Day!!!! Ok I officially hate that commercial, so annoying! But regardless, it is hump day aka Wednesday and I would like the week to be over please & thank you. I took my measurements yesterday and here is my starting and current measurements if you'd like to know. All of the starting measurements are from June 9 2012, so to start they MAY have been a bit bigger, I'm not sure but here ya go. Neck started at 15.5 and is now 14. Waist started at 45.3 but is now 35. Hips started at 49.5 but are now at 43. Butt started at 54 but is now at 48. Both thighs started at 32 and are now at 26. Both calves started at 19 and are now at 17. Lastly, both arms started at 16 and are now at 14. And that my friends is a total body loss of 44.3 inches to date.

14

So it's October 8th, 2013. And I'm wearing a size 14 work pants. To me this is a huge accomplishment and it may have taken me a while to get here but I'm here. I started off this "journey" wearing a size 20W in work pants and in Jeans(I even had one pair of 22's). I'm 5'9" (ish) in height and weighed at least 286lbs at my heaviest. I am down to 221lbs, down 65lbs. But I've lost and gained so much more than just weight. My weight has not changed much over the past few months but my pants and shirt sizes have. My plan tonight is to get home and do some measurements to compare to my June measurements. I expect to see a great deal of difference since I've gone down almost 2 pants sizes since then. I'm shocked that I can fit in some size L tops, actually most. I still have a lot of 1X tops and I definitely need to purge out my closet. But guess what, it's super expensive to continue to buy new clothes as you lose weight. So don't throw shade my way if you see me wearing oversized sweaters or tee's. I'm bringing back the 90's, Ok?! Though I will mention I am very thankful for a friend who has given me a ton of tops, and I got a few pairs of paints from another friend. Help your friends out whenever possible when you're losing weight because clothes are effin expensive! As I've lost weight, I feel like my self confidence has gone down in some ways. In other ways it has gone up. I've said this before in another blog post or two, weightloss can be a complete Mind F**K. A friend of mine calls it body dysmorphia. And it makes sense. For years I was up towards 300lbs, so now I'm closing in on 200 and under and I still see & think of myself as almost 300lbs. It's a weird process, thats for sure! Another thing that is wickedy wack... is that when you're used to shopping plus size sections and plus size stores and you realize that you can fit into pretty much any store. It's CRAZY. I actually bought two tops from a junior section the other day, how weird is that! Things like that make it real! One thing that I thought of this morning, is I haven't worn a 14 since at least 2004. I remember starting college as a juniors 15 and then shortly after was in a juniors 17/19 or a womens 16/18. Wow. Almost ten years ago! Recently, for a while, I thought "Oh maybe I'm okay being in a size 16, maybe I'll stop here!" Heck no man! Being in a 14 feels pretty flipping amazing so I think I'm going for a size 10. We'll see what happens! I'm still trying to get to a certain point by 12/8! Start off my 27th year in the right spot! And props to all my friends, seems like everyone is on the same page right now trying to better themselves and lose weight. A friend of mine is running a half marathon on Saturday which is Flipping Awesome! GO HER! And congrats to a couple friends who are close to hitting some big weight loss goals. You guys inspire me to keep on going! Lastly, I just want to say that I'm kind of shocked that I'm enjoying running. I don't ever see myself as being a long distance runner. I don't think I would want to ever run over 5 miles. But it's actually kinda fun...