I'm just keepin it 100.

Hey party people. I'm going to get really real for a few moments. Every since my birthday, I've stopped drinking for the most part (mimosa on christmas, 1/2 natty boh and a jello shot on new years is why I say most part). And people have given me shit for it. I know it's weird, BELIEVE ME I know. Everyone has asked me if it is because of weight loss. No. It's not. The first time I wasn't drinking was due to weight loss and it was beneficial. This time, it's because I've found myself in position over the past year where when I did drink, I would almost always end up completely hammered. I would drink until I was drunk. And some of those times, the reason I wanted to drink was because I was upset. I was upset about my love life (or lack thereof depending on the day). I would be upset about work. I would be upset for a number of reasons. And those feelings, I would pack those into miller lites & some shots. And then I'd be drunk and acting like an idiot crying myself to sleep. OR I'd be ridiculously hungover the next day wondering what the hell I was doing. Or in some cases, end up in situations that I never would have expected myself to be in (no more details needed, believe me you don't want to know). My birthday was a nail in the coffin for myself. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing time... I think (clearly I don't remember it all). But I decided the next day, when parts of the night were fuzzy, that I was done not remembering parts of my night. Life is too short for me to be black out drunk not remembering what I was doing. And more than anything else, if I have a drink or two or four I want it to not be because I feel like I need to be drinking to be happy or to have fun or to get through the night. I began to think I have a problem, so I stepped back. People may not agree with my decision or they may think I'm over analyzing myself and that I'm being silly. But they aren't me. They don't feel what I feel. I can't tell you that I'll never drink again, all I can tell you is that I'm taking a step back from alcohol because I feel like it is necessary and beneficial for myself to do so. I will not be dependent on it for anything. They say people have addictive personalities and others dont. I have always felt like I have had an addictive personality. I've bandaged myself with food, booze & cigarettes for so long and quite frankly I'm done with it. Stopping the emotional eating was hard enough over a year ago, but let me tell you, ripping the alcohol/cigarette bandaid off is a BITCH as well. I do wish for people not to continue saying things to me like, "You're more fun when you're drinking", because that just makes it even harder.

On a MUCH lighter note, I haven't weighed myself since December 29. I won't weigh myself again until February. I am eating well and working out when I make time for it. I am getting used to being in school again while working full time. I am taking 7 credits (Anatomy/Physiology 1 and Human Growth/Development). The anatomy class is online lecture and labs on Saturday. A&P is a lot of material and I'm basically teaching it to myself. So I'm figuring out what works best for myself. But one thing I know is I want an A. And I know I can get one. Outside of work, I will hang out in my room with Newman from now until May if I have to just stuck in here with my books and all studying. Sacrifice for progress. Regardless of school, I'm still planning on being at the gym at least 4 times a week. My goal is still to be in a size 12 by March 31. I got some serious work to do.



I feel like I'm constantly changing. Who knew one person could go through so much change in under two years. Broke up from long relationship, moved home, started losing weight, lost a LOT of weight, moved back out and in with a roommate, continued losing weight, back on track eating healthy, quit drinking, quit smoking, and started school. It may not seem like a lot, but it's a lot to process/deal with sometimes. I'm just a weak girl trying to build myself up and I see that I'm getting to where I want to be. As I've said before, I'm a huge (slightly smaller than I used to be) work in progress.