The Struggle is Real.

The struggle is real. It is always real, sometimes it is harder than other times. Today is a really hard day. I have my entire day planned from breakfast through afternoon snack at work, and it's all been in my lunchbag. Got to work, ate my breakfast (1.5 egg, 1.5 egg white with some cheese) and a cottage cheese/pineapple mix. Then I even got through mid morning snack of an apple, was good. Then my supervisor started talking to me, and he started talking to me about weight and working out and calories and telling me what I should do because of what he does. Then my bosses boss gave me a ton of work to do (Disclaimer: I love being busy and having tons of work. This work is another beast. It is like trying to figure out why the alphabet goes from A to Z and not Z to A). This project she gave me kept taking on another beast and soon it was 11am and all I wanted to do was smoke a cigarette and eat something greasy. Not because I was hungry, but because thats how my old habits were. If I was happy, I ate. If I was sad, I ate. If I was stressed, I ate. If I was annoyed, I ate. I'm now on day 10 of no Marlboro Menthol Lights. FML is all I have to say about that. I've quit before and it sucks. It sucks just as much right now if not more, because last time I quit I used food as a crutch. NOW I got nothing but water. I'm not even drinking alcohol at the moment either. After I ate my tilapia, broccoli & string cheese for lunch I walked to the kitchen with a dollar in my hand fully planning to buy the large kit kat bar thats in there, or the doritos. But then I stared at the vending machine for about 4-6 minutes and decided not to do it. I need to overcome my own challenges and not back down. I personally fully believe in cheat meals and all that... but not for the reasoning that I wanted it today. It needs to be just because I'm going out to dinner, not because I want to emotionally eat. So I filled my water bottle, went to the bathroom, let out a few tears of annoyance and came back to my seat. I then remembered that in my meal planning today, I brought a mini bag of bbq rice cake chips and I still had two clementines left. I popped some gum and decided to have the rice cake chip thingys at 230 IF I'm hungry. But truly, sometimes I just ask myself "What the hell are you doing?" Because I have no faith in myself, I'm constantly waiting to fail or to prove to myself that I cant do what I set my mind to do. I'm using today as proof to myself that maybe I can do whatever I want to do. Because I intend to finish today strong. Go get my workout in tonight, eat my dinner and protein shake and meal prep for the rest of the week. But anyways, just wanted to post that things are not as easy as they may appear for me. You don't know all the blood, sweat and TEARS that go into making lifestyle changes. And time doesnt always make it easier. On my good days, I stick to my choice to do well. On my bad days, I let things get the best of me and sometimes dip my toe into the pool of past bad habits. I'm only human.