Been a minute.. or 388,800...

Wow, it's been a while since I posted, a good 9 months! Time has been flying by this year, way too fast. Lots has changed since my last post. I've stopped focusing on my weight loss as much, I started a new job, dated here and there (no one serious at the moment), quit smoking, and other small things. Looking back at my last post, I have been drinking but am trying to pay attention to how much and not let things get out of control. And to make sure I don't feel the way I felt earlier this year. But anyways...

I started to write this post late last week but I got too emotional while writing it and it took turn I didn't want it to. So let's try this again, I was thinking about my sister and other young girls and got to thinking about things I've learned since high school, through college and into my late 20's. And the biggest thing I've learned and would share with others is don't make your life about someone else. Until you are married with a family or until you have a family, never ever make your life about someone else. Live life for you, hell be selfish and don't be afraid to be uncomfortable. Because making your life about someone else and not focusing on yourself can really fuck things up, believe me. From an emotional, financial and even a physical standpoint, if you're not focusing on your own life and where you want to be one day, things can become so far from where you wanted them to be and your life becomes almost unrecognizable when you take a step back.

I spent so much of my 20's wrapped up in someone else's life, be it a boyfriend or friends, etc. And convinced myself that it was okay and how it was supposed to be. I lost friends, gained weight, screwed up my financial life. Didn't follow my own dreams or heart. I have more debt than I thought possible, took out more than necessary in student loans because it was suggested and just went with it. I have low paying jobs, because I didn't follow my heart or my dreams and get into a career that I wanted to be in (because it wasn't where I/we were living). I am an emotional disaster, getting better every day but because I stuck with something I knew wasn't right for so long, it's taking even longer to heal.
My true self, the girl from high school and my early 20's, the strong willed, intelligent, independent girl I used to know, I'm finally finding her underneath all this angst, dependence, self-doubt, and self-hate. I have always had a firm belief in "no regrets" and all, and I don't blame anyone but myself for my current position in life and my choices. And I still hold to that, because I'm meant to be where I am now, and I've lived the life I was supposed to. But I wonder what I would have heard from someone "It's okay to be selfish" or "It's okay to make the hard decision and let life be uncomfortable for a bit".

What I'm doing now, making moves to better my situation and bounce back. I'm paying off as much of my debt as possible, still leaving myself a little side cash to enjoy my life. I'm working to pay for my life, and I'm also in school to better my life. I plan to go to nursing school and plan to work through the entire process, not taking more debt out. I'm figuring out what I like, who I like and living my life in my own way. Like I mentioned earlier, I haven't been working on my weight loss goals, I've been allowing myself to get distracted with other things. But I do intend on losing more weight, just need to make it happen (along with everything else).

I'm just keepin it 100.

Hey party people. I'm going to get really real for a few moments. Every since my birthday, I've stopped drinking for the most part (mimosa on christmas, 1/2 natty boh and a jello shot on new years is why I say most part). And people have given me shit for it. I know it's weird, BELIEVE ME I know. Everyone has asked me if it is because of weight loss. No. It's not. The first time I wasn't drinking was due to weight loss and it was beneficial. This time, it's because I've found myself in position over the past year where when I did drink, I would almost always end up completely hammered. I would drink until I was drunk. And some of those times, the reason I wanted to drink was because I was upset. I was upset about my love life (or lack thereof depending on the day). I would be upset about work. I would be upset for a number of reasons. And those feelings, I would pack those into miller lites & some shots. And then I'd be drunk and acting like an idiot crying myself to sleep. OR I'd be ridiculously hungover the next day wondering what the hell I was doing. Or in some cases, end up in situations that I never would have expected myself to be in (no more details needed, believe me you don't want to know). My birthday was a nail in the coffin for myself. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing time... I think (clearly I don't remember it all). But I decided the next day, when parts of the night were fuzzy, that I was done not remembering parts of my night. Life is too short for me to be black out drunk not remembering what I was doing. And more than anything else, if I have a drink or two or four I want it to not be because I feel like I need to be drinking to be happy or to have fun or to get through the night. I began to think I have a problem, so I stepped back. People may not agree with my decision or they may think I'm over analyzing myself and that I'm being silly. But they aren't me. They don't feel what I feel. I can't tell you that I'll never drink again, all I can tell you is that I'm taking a step back from alcohol because I feel like it is necessary and beneficial for myself to do so. I will not be dependent on it for anything. They say people have addictive personalities and others dont. I have always felt like I have had an addictive personality. I've bandaged myself with food, booze & cigarettes for so long and quite frankly I'm done with it. Stopping the emotional eating was hard enough over a year ago, but let me tell you, ripping the alcohol/cigarette bandaid off is a BITCH as well. I do wish for people not to continue saying things to me like, "You're more fun when you're drinking", because that just makes it even harder.

On a MUCH lighter note, I haven't weighed myself since December 29. I won't weigh myself again until February. I am eating well and working out when I make time for it. I am getting used to being in school again while working full time. I am taking 7 credits (Anatomy/Physiology 1 and Human Growth/Development). The anatomy class is online lecture and labs on Saturday. A&P is a lot of material and I'm basically teaching it to myself. So I'm figuring out what works best for myself. But one thing I know is I want an A. And I know I can get one. Outside of work, I will hang out in my room with Newman from now until May if I have to just stuck in here with my books and all studying. Sacrifice for progress. Regardless of school, I'm still planning on being at the gym at least 4 times a week. My goal is still to be in a size 12 by March 31. I got some serious work to do.



I feel like I'm constantly changing. Who knew one person could go through so much change in under two years. Broke up from long relationship, moved home, started losing weight, lost a LOT of weight, moved back out and in with a roommate, continued losing weight, back on track eating healthy, quit drinking, quit smoking, and started school. It may not seem like a lot, but it's a lot to process/deal with sometimes. I'm just a weak girl trying to build myself up and I see that I'm getting to where I want to be. As I've said before, I'm a huge (slightly smaller than I used to be) work in progress.

The Struggle is Real.

The struggle is real. It is always real, sometimes it is harder than other times. Today is a really hard day. I have my entire day planned from breakfast through afternoon snack at work, and it's all been in my lunchbag. Got to work, ate my breakfast (1.5 egg, 1.5 egg white with some cheese) and a cottage cheese/pineapple mix. Then I even got through mid morning snack of an apple, was good. Then my supervisor started talking to me, and he started talking to me about weight and working out and calories and telling me what I should do because of what he does. Then my bosses boss gave me a ton of work to do (Disclaimer: I love being busy and having tons of work. This work is another beast. It is like trying to figure out why the alphabet goes from A to Z and not Z to A). This project she gave me kept taking on another beast and soon it was 11am and all I wanted to do was smoke a cigarette and eat something greasy. Not because I was hungry, but because thats how my old habits were. If I was happy, I ate. If I was sad, I ate. If I was stressed, I ate. If I was annoyed, I ate. I'm now on day 10 of no Marlboro Menthol Lights. FML is all I have to say about that. I've quit before and it sucks. It sucks just as much right now if not more, because last time I quit I used food as a crutch. NOW I got nothing but water. I'm not even drinking alcohol at the moment either. After I ate my tilapia, broccoli & string cheese for lunch I walked to the kitchen with a dollar in my hand fully planning to buy the large kit kat bar thats in there, or the doritos. But then I stared at the vending machine for about 4-6 minutes and decided not to do it. I need to overcome my own challenges and not back down. I personally fully believe in cheat meals and all that... but not for the reasoning that I wanted it today. It needs to be just because I'm going out to dinner, not because I want to emotionally eat. So I filled my water bottle, went to the bathroom, let out a few tears of annoyance and came back to my seat. I then remembered that in my meal planning today, I brought a mini bag of bbq rice cake chips and I still had two clementines left. I popped some gum and decided to have the rice cake chip thingys at 230 IF I'm hungry. But truly, sometimes I just ask myself "What the hell are you doing?" Because I have no faith in myself, I'm constantly waiting to fail or to prove to myself that I cant do what I set my mind to do. I'm using today as proof to myself that maybe I can do whatever I want to do. Because I intend to finish today strong. Go get my workout in tonight, eat my dinner and protein shake and meal prep for the rest of the week. But anyways, just wanted to post that things are not as easy as they may appear for me. You don't know all the blood, sweat and TEARS that go into making lifestyle changes. And time doesnt always make it easier. On my good days, I stick to my choice to do well. On my bad days, I let things get the best of me and sometimes dip my toe into the pool of past bad habits. I'm only human.