Hump Day?

What day is it???? Hump Day!!!! Ok I officially hate that commercial, so annoying! But regardless, it is hump day aka Wednesday and I would like the week to be over please & thank you. I took my measurements yesterday and here is my starting and current measurements if you'd like to know. All of the starting measurements are from June 9 2012, so to start they MAY have been a bit bigger, I'm not sure but here ya go. Neck started at 15.5 and is now 14. Waist started at 45.3 but is now 35. Hips started at 49.5 but are now at 43. Butt started at 54 but is now at 48. Both thighs started at 32 and are now at 26. Both calves started at 19 and are now at 17. Lastly, both arms started at 16 and are now at 14. And that my friends is a total body loss of 44.3 inches to date.

14

So it's October 8th, 2013. And I'm wearing a size 14 work pants. To me this is a huge accomplishment and it may have taken me a while to get here but I'm here. I started off this "journey" wearing a size 20W in work pants and in Jeans(I even had one pair of 22's). I'm 5'9" (ish) in height and weighed at least 286lbs at my heaviest. I am down to 221lbs, down 65lbs. But I've lost and gained so much more than just weight. My weight has not changed much over the past few months but my pants and shirt sizes have. My plan tonight is to get home and do some measurements to compare to my June measurements. I expect to see a great deal of difference since I've gone down almost 2 pants sizes since then. I'm shocked that I can fit in some size L tops, actually most. I still have a lot of 1X tops and I definitely need to purge out my closet. But guess what, it's super expensive to continue to buy new clothes as you lose weight. So don't throw shade my way if you see me wearing oversized sweaters or tee's. I'm bringing back the 90's, Ok?! Though I will mention I am very thankful for a friend who has given me a ton of tops, and I got a few pairs of paints from another friend. Help your friends out whenever possible when you're losing weight because clothes are effin expensive! As I've lost weight, I feel like my self confidence has gone down in some ways. In other ways it has gone up. I've said this before in another blog post or two, weightloss can be a complete Mind F**K. A friend of mine calls it body dysmorphia. And it makes sense. For years I was up towards 300lbs, so now I'm closing in on 200 and under and I still see & think of myself as almost 300lbs. It's a weird process, thats for sure! Another thing that is wickedy wack... is that when you're used to shopping plus size sections and plus size stores and you realize that you can fit into pretty much any store. It's CRAZY. I actually bought two tops from a junior section the other day, how weird is that! Things like that make it real! One thing that I thought of this morning, is I haven't worn a 14 since at least 2004. I remember starting college as a juniors 15 and then shortly after was in a juniors 17/19 or a womens 16/18. Wow. Almost ten years ago! Recently, for a while, I thought "Oh maybe I'm okay being in a size 16, maybe I'll stop here!" Heck no man! Being in a 14 feels pretty flipping amazing so I think I'm going for a size 10. We'll see what happens! I'm still trying to get to a certain point by 12/8! Start off my 27th year in the right spot! And props to all my friends, seems like everyone is on the same page right now trying to better themselves and lose weight. A friend of mine is running a half marathon on Saturday which is Flipping Awesome! GO HER! And congrats to a couple friends who are close to hitting some big weight loss goals. You guys inspire me to keep on going! Lastly, I just want to say that I'm kind of shocked that I'm enjoying running. I don't ever see myself as being a long distance runner. I don't think I would want to ever run over 5 miles. But it's actually kinda fun...

October.

Im upset today. Upset with myself for a lot of things and even more upset that I havent worked hard to lose more weight over past couple months. I havent gained any weight (suprisingly) but I havent lost much more than the last post I posted.

I think Im afraid? Doesn't make much sense really. But I think it is because Losing the weight I've already lost has rattled me. I've become more self-conscious. I've become more nervous. I've become a disaster. Maybe it's not all the weight loss that has done that, maye it's all the other craziness in my life. But it's easier to say its because of the weight loss. Now don't get me wrong, Im not upset about losing the weight by any means, Im happy for myself and plan to continue losing more. 

It's just confusing. 

I feel like people, even my friends are judging me. I can feel peoples eyes on me when Im dressed in form fitting clothes. It makes me uncomfortable, and makes me reconsider all my wardrobe choices lol. 

I've been struggling a lot with why I got as large as I was and how disgusted it makes me feel. 

I've been struggling with how embarrassing it all is. 

But the most annoying is how self conscious I am now. I am constantly asking people "does this look okay?" Or "can you see this" or "i should change right?". 

Its a terribly confusing process. 

Plus my boobs seem to be getting bigger which is just weird. If Im losing weight they should either stay the same or decrease in siZe as well. ugh. 

I've been having a ridiculous good time in life otherwise. Hanging out with friends whenever possible. So Im focusing on that. Im also pretty proud of myself for starting to run. 2 friends and I have been doing c25k and then just Sunday I ran my full 1st mile. It was good but difficult, mainly because i was wearing a pair of workout pants that are probably 2 sizes too small lol. So it was uncomfortable i that respect. Im super thankful for my friend Britni who is a good support for continuing my weight loss and helping me with running. 

Everything else is just a big old mess it seems in my life so Im going to work on focusing on my health/weight loss journey and strive to be more positive about it. With what I wrote earlier about being embarrassed and upset about how heavy i used to be... I know I cant let that bother me and should squash that negativity. And Im going to try, really really hard. 

My new goal is to be to 199 or less by christmas. About three months to lose about 24 lbs. I'm trying to be realistic. Let see what I can do. :)