You may have wanted to know, so here is why.

I've been planning to post this for a long time but every time I start to write it I freak out and close the browser window. Surprisingly, no one has actually flat out asked me the question I'm about to answer, but I've been waiting for it. "How did I let myself get to 292 pounds?" But the reason I posted this today is because someone briefly looked at my instagram today at work and gave me the look like "Honey what the hell were you doing back then?" Honestly I don't have a plain and simple answer. It comes down to a few simple things. I didn't think it mattered. Pounds just packed on and they kept coming. I was unhappy with my life. I liked junk food, and I ate a LOT of it. I ate out all the time. I never exercised. I shudder at the thought of how many calories I ingested on a daily basis. My portion sizes were out of control. And once I got to 230lbs or so, I wasn't going to change my ways because... quite frankly I didn't think I could. I never saw myself on the scale above 292, maybe I was, and maybe I wasn't. It shames me to think that I could have been. I didn't have a lot of friends anymore when I was at my biggest and I was unhappy in a relationship that I felt too comfortable and scared to leave. Life was a mess for me. I don't know what made it all click or what happened in me that I finally got the courage to change things and to go for what I wanted. And to not worry about my significant other at the time, because that was a HUGE reason for me not walking away. I think a lot of it had to do with a friend of mine. Anytime I would discuss my unhappiness with any other friend, they'd brush me off and say something like "Well he loves you, so you should stay." or "You're lucky to have someone who cares and loves you, why would you walk away from that?" So I would push my feelings away and just focus on what they said and that maybe I was lucky. From their "advice", I started to think that maybe no one else in life would love me or fall in love with me. I had an incredible amount of self-doubt, self-hatred, etc. Finally, someone new was in my life and we had got to talking about things. And this friend told me "It's okay if you don't want to be with this person anymore. It's okay how you feel and if this is something you need to walk away from, that's also okay." Had I not received that validation from someone, I may still be 292lbs and I may still be as unhappy as I was back then. Sometimes when we look to others to discuss our feelings, we're not always looking for words of advice. Sometimes we're just looking for someone to tell us that it's okay or that it's not bad to feel a certain way. Anyways, back to the weight. So I ended things in this long relationship and I started to realize that if I could do that, which at this point in my life might be one of the hardest things that I've personally gone through. If I could do that, I could lose the weight and I could become healthier and stronger physically. So a few months later (after a bit of a mourning period), I started to work on losing. And I started to better myself. I worked on re-building my friendships with people who I let slip through the cracks. I started eating healthier, I started working on myself. And I still am. It's hard sometimes to think about the past, and it's easy to get frustrated and think, my god had I started this journey when I was 200lbs, I'd be done already. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. And I have no regrets at all. Because I know that I wouldn't be who I am in this moment had I made different choices, or taken a different path I wouldn't be me had I not gone on a random trip with a new friend who told me "it's ok". All I know for sure is that I'm a work in progress. And aren't we all? That’s life, right???

80lbs down. Whatt!

I know I haven't been posting much. Time flies when you're having fun and all that noise. But I just wanted to post because I've hit 80lbs lost. This is insane to me, and really most of you may not know this but I doubt myself a whole hell of a lot (or all of you know this haha). So getting to big numbers like this amazes me. I sit here typing this in size L tops and size 14 bottoms. Shit, I'm even wearing heels at work today. Thats huge for me. Not even the number is a big deal but when I started this blog I was wear ing a size 22W pants and 1-2X shirts. I still look at myself in the mirror and feel just the same size as I did 15 months ago. I barely see differences when I do those silly photogrid things, but thats all the mindfu*k that comes along with losing weight (so I've been told). I am 12 pounds away from being in the 100's and I am 20 pounds away from having lost 100 lbs. I sit at 212lbs. I was 292 lbs (Previously stated as 286, but found journal stating was 292 in april 2012. I feel like I might have been heavier but I thank God I never weighed myself if I was because had I seen 300 I might have given up or I may have never started this journey. Who knows).

 I have made small and large goals on here and not hit them. And I'm okay with that for now. Yes, it may have taken me a long time to lose this 80lbs but I've done it. And I'm proud of that. I beat myself up about my weight and my weight loss progress and all that. But I'm responsible for how it's come off and how long it has taken, and no one else is. So no one else should be saying things they've said or acted the way they have... but they have and I need to not let it bother me. I have not decided on my ultimate goal, I know that I want to be at a healthy weight. I've said in the past that the 160's sound good. But who knows really. Right now I'm focused on getting into the 190's and we'll go from there. All the sites I've researched tell me that a healthy weight range for my height is 125-168lbs. Thats quite a range... so I have no idea what to take from that LOL. 

 One thing I wanted to touch on since I'm posting is how amazing it feels to get all this positive feedback from all my friends and family. What I will never understand is the negative comments that people have made. It's frustrating that people have chosen to say certain things and it sucks that some of those people were ones I used to consider close to me. But it has just caused me to realize that as we grow in life and as we change in life, we lose people. We lose them for various reasons but if someone is not meant to be a part of your life, you'll figure it out (one way or another). I just wish they would have cowered into the night, rather than be a hater. Just come at me bro, talking behind someone's back is so 7th grade! 

Hump Day?

What day is it???? Hump Day!!!! Ok I officially hate that commercial, so annoying! But regardless, it is hump day aka Wednesday and I would like the week to be over please & thank you. I took my measurements yesterday and here is my starting and current measurements if you'd like to know. All of the starting measurements are from June 9 2012, so to start they MAY have been a bit bigger, I'm not sure but here ya go. Neck started at 15.5 and is now 14. Waist started at 45.3 but is now 35. Hips started at 49.5 but are now at 43. Butt started at 54 but is now at 48. Both thighs started at 32 and are now at 26. Both calves started at 19 and are now at 17. Lastly, both arms started at 16 and are now at 14. And that my friends is a total body loss of 44.3 inches to date.

14

So it's October 8th, 2013. And I'm wearing a size 14 work pants. To me this is a huge accomplishment and it may have taken me a while to get here but I'm here. I started off this "journey" wearing a size 20W in work pants and in Jeans(I even had one pair of 22's). I'm 5'9" (ish) in height and weighed at least 286lbs at my heaviest. I am down to 221lbs, down 65lbs. But I've lost and gained so much more than just weight. My weight has not changed much over the past few months but my pants and shirt sizes have. My plan tonight is to get home and do some measurements to compare to my June measurements. I expect to see a great deal of difference since I've gone down almost 2 pants sizes since then. I'm shocked that I can fit in some size L tops, actually most. I still have a lot of 1X tops and I definitely need to purge out my closet. But guess what, it's super expensive to continue to buy new clothes as you lose weight. So don't throw shade my way if you see me wearing oversized sweaters or tee's. I'm bringing back the 90's, Ok?! Though I will mention I am very thankful for a friend who has given me a ton of tops, and I got a few pairs of paints from another friend. Help your friends out whenever possible when you're losing weight because clothes are effin expensive! As I've lost weight, I feel like my self confidence has gone down in some ways. In other ways it has gone up. I've said this before in another blog post or two, weightloss can be a complete Mind F**K. A friend of mine calls it body dysmorphia. And it makes sense. For years I was up towards 300lbs, so now I'm closing in on 200 and under and I still see & think of myself as almost 300lbs. It's a weird process, thats for sure! Another thing that is wickedy wack... is that when you're used to shopping plus size sections and plus size stores and you realize that you can fit into pretty much any store. It's CRAZY. I actually bought two tops from a junior section the other day, how weird is that! Things like that make it real! One thing that I thought of this morning, is I haven't worn a 14 since at least 2004. I remember starting college as a juniors 15 and then shortly after was in a juniors 17/19 or a womens 16/18. Wow. Almost ten years ago! Recently, for a while, I thought "Oh maybe I'm okay being in a size 16, maybe I'll stop here!" Heck no man! Being in a 14 feels pretty flipping amazing so I think I'm going for a size 10. We'll see what happens! I'm still trying to get to a certain point by 12/8! Start off my 27th year in the right spot! And props to all my friends, seems like everyone is on the same page right now trying to better themselves and lose weight. A friend of mine is running a half marathon on Saturday which is Flipping Awesome! GO HER! And congrats to a couple friends who are close to hitting some big weight loss goals. You guys inspire me to keep on going! Lastly, I just want to say that I'm kind of shocked that I'm enjoying running. I don't ever see myself as being a long distance runner. I don't think I would want to ever run over 5 miles. But it's actually kinda fun...

October.

Im upset today. Upset with myself for a lot of things and even more upset that I havent worked hard to lose more weight over past couple months. I havent gained any weight (suprisingly) but I havent lost much more than the last post I posted.

I think Im afraid? Doesn't make much sense really. But I think it is because Losing the weight I've already lost has rattled me. I've become more self-conscious. I've become more nervous. I've become a disaster. Maybe it's not all the weight loss that has done that, maye it's all the other craziness in my life. But it's easier to say its because of the weight loss. Now don't get me wrong, Im not upset about losing the weight by any means, Im happy for myself and plan to continue losing more. 

It's just confusing. 

I feel like people, even my friends are judging me. I can feel peoples eyes on me when Im dressed in form fitting clothes. It makes me uncomfortable, and makes me reconsider all my wardrobe choices lol. 

I've been struggling a lot with why I got as large as I was and how disgusted it makes me feel. 

I've been struggling with how embarrassing it all is. 

But the most annoying is how self conscious I am now. I am constantly asking people "does this look okay?" Or "can you see this" or "i should change right?". 

Its a terribly confusing process. 

Plus my boobs seem to be getting bigger which is just weird. If Im losing weight they should either stay the same or decrease in siZe as well. ugh. 

I've been having a ridiculous good time in life otherwise. Hanging out with friends whenever possible. So Im focusing on that. Im also pretty proud of myself for starting to run. 2 friends and I have been doing c25k and then just Sunday I ran my full 1st mile. It was good but difficult, mainly because i was wearing a pair of workout pants that are probably 2 sizes too small lol. So it was uncomfortable i that respect. Im super thankful for my friend Britni who is a good support for continuing my weight loss and helping me with running. 

Everything else is just a big old mess it seems in my life so Im going to work on focusing on my health/weight loss journey and strive to be more positive about it. With what I wrote earlier about being embarrassed and upset about how heavy i used to be... I know I cant let that bother me and should squash that negativity. And Im going to try, really really hard. 

My new goal is to be to 199 or less by christmas. About three months to lose about 24 lbs. I'm trying to be realistic. Let see what I can do. :)

2 months what whaattt

Oh em gee. It has been so long since I posted. That ish cray. lol.. But lots of stuff has been going on and also nothing at all has happened.

Sooo here is where I am at.
-Newman and I picked up and moved to White Marsh (Ch-Ch-Changesssss again) in early July. A friend of mine bought a condo and Newman and I are renting a room and I HAVE MY OWN BATHROOM! Whaaaaat. I don't think I've ever in my life had my own bathroom. Ohhhhh the little things.
-As of this week, jumpstarting the weightloss journey again. I've been slacking (not gaining thankfully) for the past couple of months and frankly I have no reason to be. I was thinking the other day (I have a lot of thinking time it seems) that why stop now? Sure I may like the way I am now but I am not fully satisfied. I know I can do this and I've come so far (65ish gosh darn pounds) so there is no reason to stop or even give up. I am changing it up this time and setting mini goals for myself. I THINK I would like to lose another 45-65lbs. I am currently weighing in at 227-224lbs (depending on the day). I would like to see myself at 165-175, I think. I don't really know though. So more goal breaking down will be later in this post.
-Work is still the same, though I am constantly looking.
-Getting my ass to CCBC soon so I can get signed up for some pre-reqs for the RN program there (Wooop).
And that's about it, minus some unruly details and good times that have happened over the past 2 months.

So let me break down my new weightloss plan to get the rest of this fluffy stuff off me.
I am eating clean 80% of the time and if I feel I want to indulge or go out drinking that is my 20% of the time. But even over the last couple of months when I've been "slacking" my "bad" decisions aren't really all that bad. My portion sizes are still small and if I decide I want fries I don't eat something shitty with them, I get something healthIER like a wrap and water or something rather than fries & a cheesteak & a soda.
So yeah 80/20 Clean eating.
Goal is kinda around 165-175. I'm breaking it down, so I am looking at smaller picture rather than the big huge intimidating one.
So I have broke it down into small increments.
I would like to:
Be down to 210 or less by August 31st.
Be down to 195 or less by October 15th.
Be down to 180 or less by December 15th (MY BDAY!!!)
And if I want to be smaller (not sure what I'll look like at 180) then I would like to be as low as 160 by February 1st.

I may have underset these goals but I want to be realistic. The first 60-65lbs came off pretty fast, and I also wasn't working out that hard. It was mostly changing my eating habits.
So now that I'm incorporating Cardio 4-6 times a week, I HOPE it will fall off just as fast but I'm really not sure. So who knows maybe I'll blow my goals out of the water and lose it faster, but maybe I won't. Either way this is my journey and I'm focused on me.

A friend of mine is going to help me with weight training/toning. Not because I'm "want" to build muscle but because I want to tone & strengthen some areas. This friend has been doing amazingly as well and I get motivation from her!

I know I can do this so here we go again.

Bachelorette Partyinggg

So my friend who is getting married in June, we're having her bachelorette party this weekend in Baltimore! Being the maid of honor, I feel that it is my responsibility to make the night unforgettable! We are staying at a sweet hotel in Baltimore City near the inner harbor. Starting off there we plan to do nails & facials. Then we are heading out to RA Sushi for their awesome happy hour. Back to the hotel we go where we will drink and play some games! Then out to Powerplant Live!, where we will hit up some bars and play some games along the way. It plans to be an amazing night! It will be the bride to be, myself, two bridesmaids, and a friend of the bride to be. The bride is wearing a sparkly fun dress and the rest of us are wearing black. I have a folder filled with drinking games for the hotel that are bachelorette themed! There will be "Swag Bags" for everyone, and an awesome photo scavenger hunt for when we're out and about! Other details include Jello Shots, mixed drinks, monogramed bottles, & more. I think it will be one hell of a night and lots of memories will be made! Look for a post-party blog posting all about how crazy fun it was!