You may have wanted to know, so here is why.

I've been planning to post this for a long time but every time I start to write it I freak out and close the browser window. Surprisingly, no one has actually flat out asked me the question I'm about to answer, but I've been waiting for it. "How did I let myself get to 292 pounds?" But the reason I posted this today is because someone briefly looked at my instagram today at work and gave me the look like "Honey what the hell were you doing back then?" Honestly I don't have a plain and simple answer. It comes down to a few simple things. I didn't think it mattered. Pounds just packed on and they kept coming. I was unhappy with my life. I liked junk food, and I ate a LOT of it. I ate out all the time. I never exercised. I shudder at the thought of how many calories I ingested on a daily basis. My portion sizes were out of control. And once I got to 230lbs or so, I wasn't going to change my ways because... quite frankly I didn't think I could. I never saw myself on the scale above 292, maybe I was, and maybe I wasn't. It shames me to think that I could have been. I didn't have a lot of friends anymore when I was at my biggest and I was unhappy in a relationship that I felt too comfortable and scared to leave. Life was a mess for me. I don't know what made it all click or what happened in me that I finally got the courage to change things and to go for what I wanted. And to not worry about my significant other at the time, because that was a HUGE reason for me not walking away. I think a lot of it had to do with a friend of mine. Anytime I would discuss my unhappiness with any other friend, they'd brush me off and say something like "Well he loves you, so you should stay." or "You're lucky to have someone who cares and loves you, why would you walk away from that?" So I would push my feelings away and just focus on what they said and that maybe I was lucky. From their "advice", I started to think that maybe no one else in life would love me or fall in love with me. I had an incredible amount of self-doubt, self-hatred, etc. Finally, someone new was in my life and we had got to talking about things. And this friend told me "It's okay if you don't want to be with this person anymore. It's okay how you feel and if this is something you need to walk away from, that's also okay." Had I not received that validation from someone, I may still be 292lbs and I may still be as unhappy as I was back then. Sometimes when we look to others to discuss our feelings, we're not always looking for words of advice. Sometimes we're just looking for someone to tell us that it's okay or that it's not bad to feel a certain way. Anyways, back to the weight. So I ended things in this long relationship and I started to realize that if I could do that, which at this point in my life might be one of the hardest things that I've personally gone through. If I could do that, I could lose the weight and I could become healthier and stronger physically. So a few months later (after a bit of a mourning period), I started to work on losing. And I started to better myself. I worked on re-building my friendships with people who I let slip through the cracks. I started eating healthier, I started working on myself. And I still am. It's hard sometimes to think about the past, and it's easy to get frustrated and think, my god had I started this journey when I was 200lbs, I'd be done already. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. And I have no regrets at all. Because I know that I wouldn't be who I am in this moment had I made different choices, or taken a different path I wouldn't be me had I not gone on a random trip with a new friend who told me "it's ok". All I know for sure is that I'm a work in progress. And aren't we all? That’s life, right???

80lbs down. Whatt!

I know I haven't been posting much. Time flies when you're having fun and all that noise. But I just wanted to post because I've hit 80lbs lost. This is insane to me, and really most of you may not know this but I doubt myself a whole hell of a lot (or all of you know this haha). So getting to big numbers like this amazes me. I sit here typing this in size L tops and size 14 bottoms. Shit, I'm even wearing heels at work today. Thats huge for me. Not even the number is a big deal but when I started this blog I was wear ing a size 22W pants and 1-2X shirts. I still look at myself in the mirror and feel just the same size as I did 15 months ago. I barely see differences when I do those silly photogrid things, but thats all the mindfu*k that comes along with losing weight (so I've been told). I am 12 pounds away from being in the 100's and I am 20 pounds away from having lost 100 lbs. I sit at 212lbs. I was 292 lbs (Previously stated as 286, but found journal stating was 292 in april 2012. I feel like I might have been heavier but I thank God I never weighed myself if I was because had I seen 300 I might have given up or I may have never started this journey. Who knows).

 I have made small and large goals on here and not hit them. And I'm okay with that for now. Yes, it may have taken me a long time to lose this 80lbs but I've done it. And I'm proud of that. I beat myself up about my weight and my weight loss progress and all that. But I'm responsible for how it's come off and how long it has taken, and no one else is. So no one else should be saying things they've said or acted the way they have... but they have and I need to not let it bother me. I have not decided on my ultimate goal, I know that I want to be at a healthy weight. I've said in the past that the 160's sound good. But who knows really. Right now I'm focused on getting into the 190's and we'll go from there. All the sites I've researched tell me that a healthy weight range for my height is 125-168lbs. Thats quite a range... so I have no idea what to take from that LOL. 

 One thing I wanted to touch on since I'm posting is how amazing it feels to get all this positive feedback from all my friends and family. What I will never understand is the negative comments that people have made. It's frustrating that people have chosen to say certain things and it sucks that some of those people were ones I used to consider close to me. But it has just caused me to realize that as we grow in life and as we change in life, we lose people. We lose them for various reasons but if someone is not meant to be a part of your life, you'll figure it out (one way or another). I just wish they would have cowered into the night, rather than be a hater. Just come at me bro, talking behind someone's back is so 7th grade!